Tuesday, January 18, 2011

First blog

My first blog...
I don't really think that I should or will enjoy blogging, but my brother suggest me doing it, and I think, why not?
I might stop doing this after a while, but if I never try, I will never know if I enjoy it or not, right?

Well, as I am an Indonesian, living in Japan, and am trying to improve my English, this blog will sometimes be written in Japanese, sometimes in Indonesian, and most often in English. I'll try to include a translation later if I do write on other languages.

So the first topic for my first blog: and that will be the main theme of this blog, is humility.

As a christian, one person that I really admire and believe in is Jesus from Nazareth, and his teachings inspire myself in many fields of life. One characteristic that always can be found from his life, is, his humility.
I really wish from the depth of my heart, that I can be a humble person just like him.

I once thought that I was humble enough. I help other people, I pray for other people, I try to please other people as much as I can, and even sacrifice myself for others.
But no, in reality, as I keep living and start to reach a higher importance in my environment, my real self start to show. The more I learn, the more I thought of others less experienced than me to be inferior. The more I sacrifice myself, the more I demand others to either praise me or give me respect for my service.

This keeps on going, and I don't realize that this ugly self of me starts to show until it was too late. As I get puffed up, I started to criticize those that come less often to the church, and think of myself as an important piece in the ministry. I started to talk about Christ to other people without respecting their belief. Oh how I wish that I can realize this sooner!

Then I have some problems with one of my close friend. And when I knew later, it was already too late. I caused his/her partner to view Christians as cruel and condemning people, just because of my acts and thoughts.

That night I can't sleep and my mind is filled with anxiety. At first I tried to justify myself. But then my conscience began to condemn me, and the thoughts of how I had hurt my friend's feelings, how I had twisted the image of Jesus by my actions, kept me feeling unworthy of any self-justification.

Even the next morning, at the church I am still in grief. I tried to convince myself to lift up my spirit and enjoy the Sunday service, but I just can't. I went to the toilet crying myself for around 15 minutes before I can go back to the hall. Even though that day's sermon told me that God will come to my help soon, I just can't feel the presence of God among my condemning thought and guilt. In my mind I know that God has forgiven me, but still I can't free myself from the guilt.

It was later in the evening, after I confess about my sin to a close friend, that I can regain myself again. And we discuss about humility as was taught by the bible, and we promised that we will try to learn to humble ourselves.

Later I learned things as I reading my bible and some literature. Just as Jesus comes to serve and glorify His Father, I should also serve and glorify Jesus. Just as Jesus washed his disciples' feet, I should also learn and be humble enough to do the most unappreciated task. As Jesus taught, those who want to be the greatest must be the smallest.

Being humble is impossible without God's help. I will just fall again to trying to show my humble self to other people. The only way I can stay humble, is by constant awe of His glory, and being a broken people to the core, unworthy of doing His ministry. Only then I can truly serve other people as a servant.

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